WEEKLY "THE HILLS" UPDATE

A SoCal Christmas!
Heidi is All About Beach Safety
Heidi "Singing" and "Dancing"
With These Clothes and a Few Hundred Headbands, You Can Look Just like LC!

Next week:

The crew goes to Vegas for Brody's birthday in what looks kind of like the house from the Las Vegas Real World season. If I get that right I'll really be more embarrassed than pleased. Expect at least one use of "whatever happens in Vegas..." and probably some great drunken girl-talk between LC and Audrina.

Elodie quits. Heidi seems hurt, although I can't imagine why and it's probably just the editors fucking with me.

LC and Lo don't get along with ol' Jabesy, who's back for another episode (thank god). Audrina then cries about her relationship and defiantly says "I'm done!" just like she did that other time.

And oh shit, the big bombshell of the teaser (that seems to give the entire episode's twist away!): BRODY AND LC BACK TOGETHER! There's some near-autistic dialogue about a birthday kiss and then HOLY FUCK THEY'RE KISSING ON SOME SORT OF DAYBED, OR MAYBE A COUCH WITH LOTS OF PILLOWS OR SOMETHING!

And just in case you're scared of links,

L'SHANA TOVAH

Welcome to the new year, Jews and others! For Rosh Hashanah I mostly got drunk and went through my list of Hebrew phrases to yell at gentiles. It didn't take very long, so by about 9 PM I was just counting from 1 to 10 over and over. Then yesterday I half-fasted (halfasted? halfsted?) by getting drunk AGAIN and then apologizing to G-d for, among other things, dating a Catholic girl and forgetting to floss every day. He says we're cool and that beer doesn't count when you're fasting because it makes you hungrier, thus increasing suffering and making me a really great Jew overall. Then we high-fived in spirit and I watched the hockey game.

I watched the Battlestar Galactica finale with Mollie the other day and really liked it, but I seriously don't know how much more nerditude I can handle before I explode in a flash of pocket protectors and snort-laughs. All the casual drug use and knowledge of gangsta-rap in the world won't help me be cool if I'm talking about the mythology of the final five cylons and their relation to the first cylon-human war on the planet Caprica. Then I push my glasses up my nose and talk about Linux.

I have become functionally illiterate, thanks to my English lit degree. I know some people may think that just because I'm best fucking friends with literary superstars and I talk nonsense about wanting to work in editing that I can or do actually read, but it's not true. I've spent the last three months reading fifty pages of the new Michael Chabon book, which I actually really like but every time I pick it up I just think about how much I'd rather be watching the Hills. Then usually I put it down and watch the Hills. LC, why won't you come to Montreal and fall immediately in love with me?! I can spike my hair in stupid ways and shave my beard into an ugly chinstrap if that's what you want!

I'm gonna start doing a "LINKS!!!!!!" section on here because my life is really not that interesting. So let me direct you to things that are!

LINKS!!!!!!

http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/primer_canadian_indie_rock
http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/mary_kate_olsens_voice_is_almost
http://www.mountain-goats.com/forums/read.php?2,11195
http://indieguitartabs.com/

And for fuck's sake, if you're not Mollie, Carolyn, or Byron, click on their links up at the top there.